im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
