Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
