I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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