Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
