Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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