I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize