there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
