The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
