Your tits are I can't wait for
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
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