After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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