first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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