my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
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