She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
we're so committed to being not committed
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
