He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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