I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
