just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
