i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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