you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
