When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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