I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
