My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Randomize
