Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
