Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
It's never too late to be topless.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
