when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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