fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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