alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
