My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
