Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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