they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
