Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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