I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
