I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
