Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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