I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
