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I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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