I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
