Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
