I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Randomize
