be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
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