they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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