Ketchup is God's man juice
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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