I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I don't deserve a penis
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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