I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
