a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You are the jesus of drinking
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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