If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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