If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Randomize