I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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