the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just forgot I was standing up.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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