My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
