Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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