Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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