We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
