Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
