Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
