There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
