i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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