plz talk dirty to me
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
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