im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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