Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
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